This evening, over dinner, the GF observed that I was less grumpy than usual, less prone to become annoyed at my usual bugbears perhaps (leadership was today’s). Without thinking, I said “maybe I’m happy” and then he blushed and I blushed and we both avoided each other’s eyes. Did make me wonder, though, as I would hardly consider myself particularly happier than before. There are minor personal tensions around thises and thats, there is the ongoing sadness at having lost the pleasure of shared food, there is the constant fear of becoming destitute or dependent, and various disatisfactions with life and where I am in it. It is now several years since the worst time of my life, for one, and for another, being on the road keeps me from feeling too trapped, and keeps me interesting to myself, even when I am not especially. The daily coffees with the GF is critical I think as we are often or usually undistracted and have interesting conversations which I am more confident about participating in than in years past. And my new life change plans, founded upon a checklist, are certainly giving me a great deal of joy, and are keeping me away from online faffing and resultant grumpiness.
This blog post is probably a recipe for disaster though, so I am sure things will be back to normal and I will be grumpy again.