A catastrophic relapse into misanthropy yesterday afternoon, after a very pleasant morning — work finished early, a good Chinese lesson, a pleasant cup of coffee and conversation with the GF. I returned, remarking on what a good mood I was in, to find that one of the others had locked the front door from the inside and then didn’t answer the doorbell until we sent a text message. Irritated, I observed that there was little need to lock the one lock for which we don’t have keys when there were two others to protect us from burglars. I think they got irritated at that in turn, and suggested that we share keys instead of having our own. It’s a reasonable suggestion, as there are three sets of keys but four of us. Nevertheless, this set me off in a way that I have not been set off in years. I put the keys down and seethed off to my room.
This managed to get at one of the things that send me into a red fury: feeling trapped. I’d already spent some time without keys to the flat and found it really hard not to be able to come and go on my own terms, to have to ask others either to give me keys, or worry about coordinating coming and going, or having to ask to be let in. Then I’d arranged for another set of keys myself and had, for the past two weeks, felt free at last to move as I wished.
Anyway, after that I couldn’t bear to set eyes on the others and, sending a message that I was going to be out for dinner, left. First I spent a couple of hours in the garden of the Chiang Kai Shek memorial, simply staring at one of the ponds. Then, when the flag was lowered (the breeze caused a corner to drape on one man’s head but protocol demanded that he not do anything about it, so there it stayed until it was folded up). Then I walked down to Gongguan, about 40 minutes, down the main road trying to connect it all, as the geography is still not entirely clear in my mind. In Gongguan I walked around a bit, looking at shops and stalls and streetlife and had dinner. By now it was dark and I decided I’d time my return for the end of the GF’s post-dinner work call which was supposed to finish at 8.30, so he could let me in and I could avoid meeting anyone else. This plan didn’t quite work out as intended as he didn’t check his phone and I was disinclined to ring the bell, so I lingered in a nearby park for about half an hour, listening to the film review. Eventually, though, he let me in and I walked in to find the others sitting there as well, which just enraged me again.
Through all this I was, and am, aware how petty all this is, how unreasonable, and that I am much less trapped than most people I know. It would not inconvenience anyone to share three sets of keys amongst four, or to occasionally have to ring the doorbell to be let in. But I am finding it very difficult, this is the sort of thing that leaves my head throbbing, hands shaking, and has me short of breath, feeling trapped and subject to others.
This morning I woke for my Spanish class but clearly looked like hell as my teacher took one look at me over Skype and asked if I wanted to reschedule for tomorrow. I accepted gratefully and since then have been in my dark little room, where at least I’m alone. I’m not sure how I can face the others over dinner, but I suppose I will, as I always do when I’m this upset.